If my neighbors line up their quarters on the washing machine to indicate they're next, I steal them so they'll know it's fucking stupid.

I'm not a stalker, I just star a lot.

This dude says “pi-staaah-shyo” like some pistachio connoisseur.

Color-wise, the perfect 5-pack of lighters continued to elude her.

My “cat” is just a coconut wearing a little sweater.

My cat is watching a movie. It’s the litterbox edition.

All I really remember about the ‘80s is George Jefferson being irritated like all the time.

I'll star a picture of your cat. I don't give a fuck.

“Let’s interview the weirdest bystander.” ~ Local news

I can tell I'm aging when I turn off music to listen to NPR.

Farted (alone) in elevator before it stopped for 4 more people and I was all, "Oh my god, it fucking reeks in here" to them. They agreed.

People tweeting about drinking and smoking weed seem suspiciously lucid.

I love my friend, but she got upset when I said that her condo smells like feet. Just doing my part to make sure I don't have to smell feet.

"Meowt." ~my cat, when he's leaving

My sister asked me, "How's life in La-La Land?" like I'm some delusional piece of shit. Like she's invited to La-La Land.

I want to change my avi, but my bathroom mirror is all fogged up.

We all tweet the same stuff. You can't let that stop you.