I wish I could unfuck some people.

We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

I'm NOT crying, you dumbfuck. I'm having an allergic reaction to feelings.

Not having any friends means I'm always the pretty one.

I shouldn't be spending the most fuckable years of my life not fucking.

Muttering "fuck this shit" and walking away will never feel as therapeutic as yelling "FUUUUCK THIS SHIT" and flipping over a table.

You know what feels better than cotton? Fucking. Fucking should be the fabric of our lives, not cotton.

My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

Fuck you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every fucking thing except my hand.

I'd settle for an enemy with benefits.

If you want to know whether a chick is a cunt or not, just call her a cunt. Nothing sets off a crazy cunt like being called a cunt.

If I were a Care Bear I'd be I Don't Care Bear.

I like my men like I like my cookies, shoved in my mouth and leaving a mess on my tits.

I'm pretty sure I'm dead inside, but I don't care because I'm still really fucking hot on the outside.

Cunts sure do hate the word cunt.

Unlike 'I love you,' it's never too soon in a relationship to whisper 'fist me like a puppet.'

If you hate your life, you're not alone. If you love your life, what the fuck are you doing on twitter?

I look pretty good for someone who's dead on the inside.

Not being able to remember my facebook login info is the gift that keeps on giving.

For as many times I wished I were dead, I'm actually pretty thankful to be alive. I missed the fuck out of you guys.