Just saw a hipster girl pushing an empty wheelchair and now I'm terrified that it's a new accessory they're selling at Urban Outfitters.

What I've learnt on Twitter: no matter how many people shock you with evil, twice as many people will amaze you with good.

Shouldn't it be a "teethbrush"?

Dear algebra, stop asking me to find ur X. She's not coming back. We don't know Y either.

Why are children obese? Probably because burgers are $.99 and salads are $7.99.

What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?

What vitamin do you have to give kids to get them to flush the toilet?

For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

You don't need bigger boobs. You need to read better books.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause. Years later, Dad would tell me that was the only way he could get hard.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.

Sometimes I feel nuts. The guys love it.

Why, that's such a lovely shade of whore you have going on. It compliments your bitch quite nicely.

I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

I just put $10 in my gas tank and I think my car giggled.

Why is it when you ask a man for a back rub he rubs your ass instead?

Life's too short to have a DJ boyfriend.

If you want me to stop being a smartass, just stop being such a dumbass

Theres a special place in hell for the guy that decided what time McDonalds breakfast ends.