For the price of a kindle I can buy every book I'm never going to read.

I ejaculate like I vote... early and often.

If you weren't real I would make you up.

I'll cuddle the fuck out of you if you fuck the cuddle out of me.

Dear Diary, Why can't I meet girls in real life like I meet on twitter?

I like to use the phrase "sounds like my honeymoon" at innapropriate times during conversations. It's my version of "that's what she said".

Is it really necessary for a 10 year old to be using a cell phone while riding a bike? Jesus Christ young man, just ride the fucking bike.

She was hotter than the sun, just not that bright.

I've been hitting the same pothole for a year now. Don't know what's worse, that they haven't fixed it or I can't remember to avoid it.

It is always appropriate to use the word "cocksucker".

The only time I'm not lazy is when I'm fucking.

You can learn a lot about a person by their favstar page. Some of you have issues. And by you I mean me.

Sometimes when dealing with a woman, giving up is the only way to win.

Loving you is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever done.

I was dishonorably discharged from the Kiss Army for not being able to rock & roll all night AND party every day.

I'm not going to beat around the bush. I could really use a blowjob.

Sex doesn't have to be gratuitous to be dirty. But it helps.

sex relieves tension - love causes it

Last I checked it's a free country, follow whoever the fuck you want. (check local listings to see if your country is, in fact, free)

#ff

There is a certain freedom in having nothing to lose.