I may be schizophrenic tonight but at least I have each other.

I've always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Your personality is cock-blocking you.

If a woman you've never had sex with tells you you're sweet,

you will never have sex with her.

Pretty sure super hot goes with bat-shit crazy 100% of the time.

They really need to come up with an,
'I'm being sarcastic you dumbfuck' emoticon.

If you slap my ass and I grin, that's pretty much as green as the light's going to get.

Good thinking, man jogging in a bicycle helmet...you can never be too careful.

Your brain is weird and your heart is pretty. I love you!

I get it, twitter is like facebooks slutty cousin!

I know it's going to be a great story when it starts off, "So this bitch...."

Is it too much to want someone who will fuck me like they want to break me but also care about me a little?

When he makes you involuntarily kegel with words.

My fingers smell like loneliness.

Twitter: therapy for sexually frustrated married women.
Trolling paradise for guys who haven't left their mom's basement or bathed this week

Americans are all fat, Canadians are all hockey players, Brits are all cunts and Aussies are drunk.
Am I doing this right?

Someday...the happiest/saddest word in the world.

I'd like to fuck you to death,

but totally in the good way.

My underwear is so pretty today I want to show it to people to cheer them up.

Why can a man remember football stats from the beginning of time but can't remember when his kids start school, the SAME time EVERY morning?