Its not a threesome if I fall asleep, its just you guys being gay.

I just realized "strap on" is "no parts" backwards. Just throwin' that out there.

Anybody have any double a batteries? My vibrat...uh..flashlight just died and I can't get off......the bed because it's dark in here.

If you can spend $700 on a stereo system how about spending $6 on making your trunk not rattle, playa.

I like my men like I like my cocaine. White.

Whenever I see a guy in a wrist brace, I always just assume he masturbates too much.

I'm gonna, be, honest here, I really don't, know how, to use commas. How many of you fuckers just read that like Christopher Walken?

My boss just told me I'm doing a great job. Hopefully that means I won't have to swallow for my raise this year.

Pedophiles are pedophiles. No matter how well they moonwalk.

Saw a homeless guy with a sign that read "hungry please help" so I rolled down my window and told him theres a McDonalds across the street.

I'm for world peace and blow jobs.

If I had a better body I'd be a lot sluttier.

Is it weird that every time I get a star from any of you, I feel like somebody famous starred my shit? It's weird right? Fuck..I'm weird.

I wish I could "star fuck" more. I also wish I could "real fuck" more.

"I can't play with you when your dicks out" - Me to my dog right now.

To my friends that believe in God..he will still love you even if you don't forward me those stupid fucking text messages. Now stop it.

Stupid touch screen doesn't work to good when you've got lube all over your fingers.

A toe cramp can ruin a perfectly good orgasm.

I can tie a cherry stem in a knot. With my vagina.

I just tried to put on my seatbelt. In my office chair. So yeah, I'm high.