If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after your first date, then your boobs are small.

Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle?
Me: Just some water.
Cop: Ma'am that's wine...
Me: Jesus did it again!!


Related: I need bail money.

I told a guy I was great at sex.

He then asked me, "what's your best move?"
I answered, "Leaving directly afterwards."

*Food hits the floor*

Little germs: "Let's get it!!"

King germ: "No, we must wait 5 seconds."

Men who shave their legs should just continue up & shave their vaginas as well.

Let's fuck until we fall in love.

Instead of people stealing tweets & posting then to facebook, I thought I'd try the opposite.

Steve and Doug are now friends.

The only "B" word you should ever call a woman is "beautiful".

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

My makeup looks for this morning:

"Shot in the face with a whore gun"

Or

"John Wayne Gacy-beauty queen"

What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples?


They are Braille for "suck here."

I love you with all my butt.

I would say my heart, but my butt is bigger.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

Just saw a bird almost get hit by a truck, then fly up & shit mid air.

I understand, bird, I understand.

What do you call a lesbian w/ long finger nails?



*Single*


Waka waka!

I'm not an alcoholic...I only drink twice a year: On my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.

I once had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg!!

Is a lesbian with fat fingers considered well hung?

You'll know you have a high sperm count if I have to chew before I swallow.

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

These Fabreeze garbage bags smell so good. It makes me want to put one over my head.