Don't you hate when you're excited about nailing a tweet then nobody gets it.

Assholes.

The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

Sad Valentines Day revelation...

Found out my cat's just using me for food.

Maybe that Segway dude should have read the manual - not just the Cliff Notes.

I'd love to make the leaderboard but sadly I lack the motivation to give a shit.

Glad to see Sarah Palin has shattered the glass ceiling for good looking female political opportunists.

I always feel so embarrassed for those people along the road picking up trash. I mean who wears fluorescent orange jumpsuits?

Eons from now aliens will read the whole of Twitter. They will scratch their oblong heads befuddled by how we saw our doom & yet did nothing

The benefit of an enlarged prostate is marking my territory from the men's room all the way back to my cubicle.

Ok Mr. Weatherman... I give. And I'm sorry for calling you an untalented dumb-ass. Can I have some sunshine now?

I will gladly fly on Southwest for their discount airfares. Who cares if they fly convertible planes. A little fresh air never hurt anyone.

Thinking of changing my name to Shit-My-Dick-Says but my tweets would be pretty predictable. Hey baby... Here kitty... Oh look, a hole.

When Mitt Romney contradicts himself, does that make him an Oxymormon?

Anybody else post a tweet then immediately seek acceptance and validation on @favstar?

Ya, me neither. Frequently.

Just when I became the master of 3-star tweets, Favstar changes the minimum to 5 stars. Fuck you and the leaderboard you wrote in on.

YAY! Coming up on 200 followers.

That's good right, for someone without boobs?

I spray my deodorant on in a little circle to form a sweat donut hole. That way, by raising my arms, I can shoot little odorous smoke rings.

I just got a thumbs-up from a fart bot.

I laughed. I cried. It was a triumph of the human spirit.

My work here is complete.

Braille would be so much easier to learn if the boobs quit moving.

Just heard 60,000 Christian men will fill the stadium for a "Promise Keepers" convention. To find me, just look for the mosh pit.