I know women like to be mysterious, but turn signals are for safety.

Its called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.

Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.

I feel pretty confident that whoever steals my idenity will inevitably improve my credit score.

If I accidentally say anything that is offensive or in anyway inappropriate, Please be sure to star & retweet that shit!

When pigs do fly I bet their wings will be even more delicious than a buffalos.

I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

A Vibrator doesn't buy you flowers, compliment you on how beautiful you are or pay the bills. Just makes you cum. Holy shit! I'm a vibrator!

I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

Too cold for ice cream, too far for donuts.. this is probably how all the dinosaurs died.

Never miss an opportunity to take something out of context and completely overreact.

I take the time every night to read your tweets to my children as part of my stay in school campaign.

I'm so tappin' that! - Me, every fish tank.

If your under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you had better brace yourself. Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.

You'll drink from the toilet right after I flush, but one piece of kibble in your water bowl and all of a sudden I'm the asshole.

When cats finally start driving I am so gonna walk all over their cars!

I almost retweeted into the car in front of me…

There are so many creative, funny people on Twitter...it's gonna take forever to kill all of you. Thanks for changing a Hobby into a Career.