My mom just called me at work to tell me that I should adopt a child. Really, Mom?? I'm 25 and I had skittles for lunch.

Saw a sign today advertising simple cremations for $990 and now I really want to know what an elaborate one looks like. Probably sparkly.

I cry when I cut up onions, but I cry when I cut up bananas, too. It gets emotional in the kitchen when you anthropomorphize your food.

It's okay to wear sweatpants on the outside if you feel like sweatpants on the inside.

As a Jew, I refer to it as beforeskin.

If one more damn person tells me that twirling my hair is a sign of sexual tension, well I'm just going to have to fuck them.

I don't know how ancient Egyptians effectively worshiped cats without the internet.

If your tornado preparedness kit doesn't include a pot brownie and a kite, then you're not prepared.

Throw potatoes at pedestrians and yell THUNDERSPUD when you get a hit. It's just a little game I like to call ThunderSpud.

My proudest moment? In 2nd grade I named the class gerbil "Randy Fartpipe."

If I actually followed my dreams, I'd be wearing a coconut bra on a Segway eating breast milk ice cream out of Seabiscuit's left hoof.

"Mindy, Please refrain from testing the capacity for human guilt." -coolest email from HR ever.

Exactly one year ago I was pronounced "cancer-free." So I guess I'll try to have a good day. Maybe eat a few cakes or something.

You know what sucks about wearing an eye patch? NOTHING.

I want a perfume that smells like Long John Silver's and fresh donuts and I don't think I'm alone in this.

If you were wondering how long you can listen to ODB at work before HR sends an email asking you to "turn off your rap," it's three songs.

Damn food regret! I should have ordered a side of Toast-face Killah with my Wu-Tang Bran.

Being a stoner is the best excuse to forget to wear a bra.

"I didn't even know I had an eye patch fetish until I met you," is the best weirdass compliment I've gotten in a long, long time.

I'm really easy to pick up if you tell me you have a quesadilla maker.