If you star me... I will follow.

Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets...

According to favstar, I give roughly twice as much as I receive. Sounds suspiciously like real life to me.

On FB I'm a *blocked* nymphomaniac. On twitter I'm just a little forward.

A cervical fracture sounds like a damn good fuck... just sayin.

Pretty sure I have alzheimers. I keep going back to FB and expecting to find something there...

Dear Santa: Lil Kid hates your Elmo stuff. Please send the tickle hands in my size.

Whoa! Should I stop following tweeps that don't believe god's last name is dammit or should I just tell them god doesn't really exist???

Why should I read your tweets when I can re-read mine?

If someone would throw me a boner, I could do more than talk about something inappropriate...

Real life? Tried that last night. Didn't get laid... sooooo back to you, twitter!

The other good thing about cream puffs is that they are full of whipped cream - another of my favorite subjects - right after boobs.

Followed, unfollowed. Listed unlisted. Starred unstarred. This twitter is a lot of work. Imma call in to my job bizzee!!!

If my tweets got more stars I'd be "crafting" them, but since I'm obviously limited, I'm "flinging" 'em... get out the way!

I'm suddenly following so many prolific tweeters I can't possibly read all of them in one night without a snack and a bottle.

I'm not an anti-facebook twitter-snob, but I dig the friends that go both ways. I def favor my tweethearts and the two-ways.

That warm margarita I decided to try tastes like piss. Luckily, it's lime piss.

Monday is about to seriously perp me...all I ask is for coffee and a shower first...and you. You'll hold me afterwards, right?

Some tweeple live for stars, but I only recently discovered mine. Silly... what's the big deal... look... hey... you've only given me...

I have just 3 minutes left to impale myself on some poor new follower #takethat