@robdelaney I'm in Ohio and I braved the wind and the rain today to vote early. #AmericanHero

@robdelaney I've never met an adult named Cody.

@dudehugs So saxy... pic.twitter.com/80OG1C4hAc

@dudehugs Braggart pic.twitter.com/Zf711EsSo2

I am completely mesmerized by my cleavage today. I'm not gonna get any work done.

My crippling anxiety is really cutting into my Twitter time.

I admire the confidence of people who are able to step on an escalator without a moment's pause.

I saw a lady on TV getting her forearms waxed. Is this a thing now? Do I have to wax my forearms? I'm so tired.

I called someone a "suave jackass" yesterday. Nothing that happens today will top that moment.

@robdelaney Agreed, but I went to the gym anyway. Patiently awaiting my medal for doing so. I deserve it. It's raining.

@robdelaney feels wrong starring this tweet on a Sunday. I hope my dead mother can't see me.

@nathan_pensky Their ignorance keeps them humble. Well, they're sort of humble. Cats aren't humble. I should delete this.

@robdelaney The shape of your head in this picture looks like Hank Hill's. :) pic.twitter.com/D43Ipmsv

@pat_bren Cool. Then I'm withholding my favs for "ribbon dancer".

@robdelaney Well, I am a delight. Thanks for noticing. :)

@pat_bren I was recently asked what high school I go to and I'm 33. I'm also still single.

No joke, I'm wearing a pair of cargo jorts today and I look good, you jerks!

Sometimes, when I wash my hands after using the bathroom, I wash all the way up to my elbows like a doctor. Makes me feel important.

@robdelaney I'll be there and I'll bring beef and wear leather....or vice versa. We'll see how I feel that day.

My 16 y/o nephew was shocked to find out I was on Twitter & said, "Why are you in Twitter? No other 40 year olds are on Twitter." I'm 33. :(