It's quite simple actually. Never lie to someone who trusts you and don't trust someone who lies to you

If you have never thought of murder, you've never been in love.

You guys want to know the fountain of youth? A sense of humor.

I only trust dealers with better houses than me.

That fucking awkward moment when your date orders water. Um, this isn't going to work out.

In order for you to insult me, I must first value your opinion.

"The best pick up line is a line of cocaine."

Don't judge me cause I'm quiet. Nobody plans a murder out loud.

@tiffanypollard Gurl have you seen the 14 commandents of NY?! I died!  http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-commandments-of-new-york …

Dear strippers, I will throw pennies. You've been warned.

AAA is providing free towing service 4 those that drank 2 much during New Years weekend: Call 1-800-AAA-HELP (222-4357)DONT DRINK & DRIVE

You're not stupid, you just have bad luck when thinking.

May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, Angels protect you, and Heaven accept you.

Hi, hello. May I help you? No, then get the fuck out ma' face.

In the end we only regret the chances we didn't make.

The world would be a better place if everyone had a gay best friend.

You know what I love most about this beautiful weather? That my beers manage to stay a little bit colder, longer.

If you don't support gay marriage then your a faggot.

Don't waste your time giving someone a second chance when there is someone better waiting for their first.

Roses are red, violets blue.
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don’t be mad I’ll be there too.
Not in the cage, but laughing at you.