@Zaius13's (Doctor Zaius) most faved Tweets...
Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I'd still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to.
Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.
What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Why is it okay when a woman has sex with someone half her age, but when a man does it, it's awesome?
Don't cry over spilled milk. And broken eggs. And a violated ham. And-FINE, I'LL LEAVE. This isn't the only grocery store in town, you know.
You know you're in a long term relationship when you can hear her rolling her eyes through the phone.
If you say "it is what it is" one more fucking time, I'm going to shove a sartre so far up your camus you'll have to wear a kierkegaard.
Looking and quacking like a duck does not preclude it from being a cyborg assassin from the future inexplicably designed to simulate a duck.
Why do people say 'catch a flight' when they mean 'spend 12 hours in a disease incubator with 200 fetid humans and their screeching larvae'?
I like to unwind by getting into bed with a bottle of gin and my charred doll heads and screaming "Who's macho now, DAD?" through the tears.
My wife caught me masturbating and the most embarrassing part is that I even own Alvin and the Chipmunks on blu-ray in the first place.
Sen. Al Franken has crafted legislation with Rep. Marion Berry. Committee chair Kent Chocula has threatened to table the Franken-Berry bill.
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