Pretty happy I don't live in a time when sliced bread is the best thing going on

Going through my closet picking out what clothes I'm going to save for the "2010's" theme parties I'm invited to 20 years from now.

Not sure what makes the police think I can say the alphabet backwards sober

Just realized that if I should be worried about brain cancer because of the time my phone’s next to my head, my balls don’t stand a chance.

If I can be Frank, will you all start calling me that instead?

I've never been to one, but I think it seems a little weird that people go to see baby showers.

Seats are so much more luxurious when they're wrapped in cow skin

Keep a close eye on your friend if they say they’re as happy as a clam. That doesn’t sound good.