My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as substitute meat.

DON'T HIT KIDS. No. Seriously. They have guns now.

Want a man's attention? Suck his dick.

How come I never find any weed in my sons room like my mom always did in my brothers?

Women! Boob jobs, nose jobs, tummy tucks, liposuction, Botox, pierced nips, tattoos, bikini wax & they won't take it in the ass cuz it hurts

Fat men need love too. Remember ladies, the bigger they are the smaller we look!

Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do.

Some of the best times I ever had were sitting in a driveway.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

If I get just one more follower then I'll have one more follower.

Treat your spouse/partner right or some one else will. Yes ladies that includes blow jobs.

Weed: these dishes aren't gonna get done without it.

Twitter requires a slightly twisted mind to fully appreciate it properly. I of course fit in perfectly.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Please don't call me when I'm twittering. I really don't want to hear how bored you are at work.

If my husband ever reads my twitter, I'm gonna owe him a lot of blow jobs.

If your hubs has a hard day & your first response is to offer him a blow job, yeah you got this wife thing figured out.

My son told me that all girls are sluts except his MaMa & his Daddy got that one. Little does he know, that's why his daddy married me.

Lord give me the patience to survive another entire summer with my son up my ass every single time I fucking turn around.