I've officially hit rock bottom... Oh. Hi everyone!

My career as a sexy grocery store clerk was short lived, due to me asking every woman; "Do you like that?" as I scan each item.

My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

White parents: counting to three since 1930.

When someone tells me, "hey, good luck." I look 'em in the eyes & say; don't need it, wearing my shark tooth necklace.

I've eaten enough Chicken McNuggets to know the boot shaped ones are best for dipping.

I think we can officially retire the phrase "Holy cow" now, and let's bring the mackerel back. It's the more interesting out of the two.

I don't care what people think of me. Unless of course I'm in their will, or they pack my parachute.

I only ask a woman two questions before taking her out. 1. On any medication? 2. On twitter? If she answers yes to both, IT'S ON.

Mars looks like a super chill place to read a book or draw a picture of a rock.

Until the dyson vacuum guy invents a hovercraft that cleans my floor as I ride to my fridge. I remain unimpressed.

Come to think of it, I would just walk into a store & buy a Klondike bar.

There's plenty of fish in the sea. And I strongly believe in the catch and release policy.

Wanna go camping next weekend?! No thanks, I have a house.

You know you're a picky eater when you remove the vegetables from your gummi hamburger.

My Facebook friends go to the beach a lot.

Land Before Time: enabling parents to have sex in the other room since 1988.

I would pay Drew Barrymore like a $100 a month to sit on my couch and watch movies with me.

At the movies watching Real Steal with every pot & pan from my kitchen strapped to my body just so people know I'm serious.

Hey Starburst: how about a pack consisting entirely of the pink flavored ones?