I still don't get this phone sex.... It just doesn't fit right.

Why does Frogger die when he falls off the log and into the water? He's a frog.

My five favorite foods are raspberries, mangos, avocados, lobster & cock. ...Just wait. I meant to say cheese, not raspberries.

I don't really write these tweets. It's my cat. He's a huge pervert & pathological liar.

Empty nest syndrome? More like pop a cork, smoke a bowl, fuck all day & night, and change the locks syndrome.

My mother always called me antisocial. I prefer to think of it as "plays well alone".

I want to hold your hand. And shove it down my pants.

I star you because
a) I relate
b) you so funny
c) I'm high

I don't play FarmVille because I'm from Wisconsin. I fucking live in FarmVille.

Fuck this shit. Fuck it. Fuck it. ...Sorry. I'm meditating.

I want to punch people who say "guac" instead of "guacamole" in the face. Unless I like them. Then, it's okay.

I've written lengthy replies to each of your recent tweets, in my head.

You may have an online persona... I, unfortunately, don't and this is really what I'm like.

I want you to follow me because I spout stupid shit. You already are? Well, alright, then.

I will come to your house and throw your good laundry baskets down the stairs.

I'm just a normal everyday person. I put my underpants on from over my head, just like all of you.

Some of you guys really get me. You're the ones I should be afraid of, right?

What have we learned, kids? "I respect your opinion" when said to a delusional person is code for, "You're bonkers but I'd still fuck you".

My twitter account is my version of a reality show. And, apparently, I have low ratings. Whatever.

I wonder if Ice Cube called himself that because he's the only one in the house who made 'em. ...Just like me.