If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.

Women are weird and difficult and frustrating but they sure do taste good.

I love hugs. Long, slow, deep penetrating hugs.

I will cuddle the fuck out of you.

If you aren't damaged goods I don't believe you are truly living.

I'm pretty sure I'm doing life wrong. Why should I care if I'm doing Twitter "wrong"?

Me: "What'd you do last night?"
Myself: "I tweeted."
I: "You two are fucking idiots."

Whoops! I just told my kids "time for dinner bitches!"

Women who complain about having to fuck their husbands... let them fuck someone else if it's such a chore for you.

My dad can roll a joint with one hand. Your move responsible parents.

My safe word is "more".

I just drank the rest of the Mountain Dew that I left on my desk last Friday. That's how tough I am. The line forms to the left ladies.

You're beautiful. Each and every one of you. Even the dudes. Group hug. OK, now get the fuck away from me weirdos.

We should be spending the day curled up under blankets, faces close. Chit-chatting between cat-naps and fucking.

I'm not really a whore. I just play one on Twitter.

I know it sounds cliché but I really do want a woman that I can treat like a queen and fuck like a whore. It seems reasonable to me.

<---Drinks well with others.

Pop-Tarts®. We meet again. Fuck my mouth you strawberry whores.

Tweet about waking up, coffee, not getting laid, weed, work, stupid people, flirting, something almost funny. Done. See you tomorrow.

Small boobs taste just as good as big boobs.