Twitter is proof that famous people aren't that interesting, it's the writers behind the empty shell.

My spirit animal is a Flying Fuck.

My safe word is marry me.

If I think about sex every 3.14 seconds does that make me pisexual?

If something can't be fixed with hard work and determination try vodka and nudity.

I'd make a joke about my wife being controlling but I'm not allowed to.

If Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan had a child it would be Courtney Love.

I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

Don't get too excited about everyone on twitter thinking you're funny, 90% of them are high and think a sock puppet is hilarious.

You know you've done enough kegels when you can squeeze a commitment out of him.

Ever wonder where drugs and mediocrity gets you? Just take a look at the leader board.

Twitter can be like talking to crazy homeless people through protective glass.

Women are natures version of the Rubiks cube.

Turns out Pinocchio wasn't lying, he was snorting cialis.

The TSA at gate 69 let's you stroke their crotches back.

Some of your tweets are so nasty I feel like I need to gargle with bleach after licking the screen.

I accidentally went backwards on a treadmill and gained five pounds.

I always thought it was kinda funny what little kids would do for a gold star but you twitter people will jump straight to porn tricks, nice

Over 89% of men in insane asylums were asked to fold a fitted sheet.

Tweeting is like shouting insane pscho babble at strangers while they throw stars in your cup of despair.