Sweet tea is my heroin.

Felt like a ninja bc I caught my toast jelly side up in my elbow. Then was reminded that I'm a klutz bc I dropped it 2 secs later on floor.

The day I figured out I only make 12 cents a minute was the day I stopped fake laughing at all my customers' stupid fucking jokes.

I don't know why they still let me pick out the music at parties. It never ends well

If I ever have engagement photos taken please just throw me in front of a firing squad because it means I've just given up on life.

Spending my Saturday night watching my cats do parkour in the living room.

Wish I would have seen that giant silver cross dangling from your neck before I used hell in quotation marks, professor.

The bacon shortage is going to be about as devastating as Y2K was.

Sister threw a fit bc I used the wrong napkins. Mom is redoing all the silverware I set out. I'm going to find an open liquor store.

Nothing drives me crazier than "..."

What's it mean? Why didn't you finish? Are you mad? Am I supposed to guess?
...
WHY DID YOU PUT THAT?

Don't pretend like you don't set three alarms, check the AM/PM, close the app, and then open it back up to make sure they're still there.

The democrat & republican parties are just like sports teams. They've got team colors, mascots, & a bunch of dumb people cheering for them.

I don't think the truck in front of me has enough West Coast Choppers bumper stickers.

How well do you have to know someone before you tell him his facial hair looks like shit?

Kelly Clarkson's "Dark Side" is actually about her fat rolls

Posting a picture of Drake looking depressed w an emo quote over it sure does show your ex how bad he messed up #stfu

Hi my name is Chelsea & I just finished all my homework two nights before it's due. #ProcrastinatorsAnonymous #recovering

I'm not even going to try to survive the zombie apocalypse.

My nose bleeds way too much for someone who doesn't do coke.

I wish this was a joke. I really do. pic.twitter.com/h9cOf0geYL