This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past...

Twitter is like the Psychiatric Ward of
the Internet.

You can always gauge how good looking you are by the amount of people that say "bless you" when you sneeze in a crowded area

Dear 16 year old couple holding hands and making googley-eyes at Starbucks,

Enjoy the time now, life will destroy that optimism soon enough

Ever had an awesome tweet that you thought was fucking hilarious but didn't get the recognition it deserved?

Good, Welcome to Twitter...

"It's impossible." said pride.
"It's risky." said experience.
"It's pointless." said reason.
"Give it a try." whispered the heart

Twitter is and should be about having a good time and providing others with a smile. Have fun and appreciate when others do the same for you

A lot of you guys on twitter like to talk about your wives and husbands. My question is... HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU?!?

One star is all I really need...


-Me, consoling myself an hour after every tweet

Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again! And that'll make you smile.

Have you ever been sitting home quietly, just taking it easy and masterbating when you accidentally pocket dialed someone?

...sorry grandma

"Fuck it, just press send, it's not like these people are going to like you either"

-Me, every time I have the idea for a tweet

I don't know why I allow myself to get attached to someone who isn't willing to do the same for me...

"So what, no one cares if you can get a 50 star tweet!"

-Me, sobbing, as I look over my massive collection of three and four star tweets.

I know im far too high when I find myself sitting on the toilet, reading your tweets and laughing so hard I accidentally drooled on my penis

Charlie Brown really should have gone ahead and kicked Lucy right in the ovaries. That chick was a real cunt.

After you star bang me, I like to take out my journal and write out our initials and draw little hearts around them

How do lesbian couples figure out who does all of the complaining and bitching in the relationship?

These are the things I often ponder...

I wish women came with a warning and side effect list like those pharmaceutical commercials

I wonder how long my org chem teacher had been waiting to bust out this gem he said today: 'We'll be using the periodic table; periodically'