@chucknoritz's (Chuck Noritz) most faved Tweets...
I need to add "while taking a shit." to the end of the "Sent from my iPhone" sentence on my emails.
It would be the honest thing to do.
It would be the honest thing to do.
Starting a back to the basics movement for vampires.
Focus on core values of blood sucking and killing.
Stop this touchy feely bullshit.
Focus on core values of blood sucking and killing.
Stop this touchy feely bullshit.
Apparently a real monkey is different than a toy monkey.
I don't even know where that little fucker went.
This isn't my childhood dream.
I don't even know where that little fucker went.
This isn't my childhood dream.
Use the KISS method she says.
Next thing I know I'm sitting with HR.
Fucking acronyms.
I don't know them all god dammit!
Next thing I know I'm sitting with HR.
Fucking acronyms.
I don't know them all god dammit!
Real work tip #11:
When someone initiates a work conversation in the bathroom it is entirely okay to whip it out and piss on their shoes.
When someone initiates a work conversation in the bathroom it is entirely okay to whip it out and piss on their shoes.
Sunday: You always look so sad when I see you.
Me: It's not you. It's somebody else.
Sunday: It's Monday isn't it?
Me: Yes. God damn him.
Me: It's not you. It's somebody else.
Sunday: It's Monday isn't it?
Me: Yes. God damn him.
I created a mound of glass shavings from the conference room table using nothing but the edge of my coffee cup.
2 hour meeting justified.
2 hour meeting justified.
My favorite place to exercise is in futility.
My machine of choice is Twitter.
I usually try to do 3 to 5 reps a day, less on the weekends.
My machine of choice is Twitter.
I usually try to do 3 to 5 reps a day, less on the weekends.
Sure.
You can have a drink.
But if you backwash, so help me god, I will crush your soul and burn down your dreams.
Thanks for listening son.
You can have a drink.
But if you backwash, so help me god, I will crush your soul and burn down your dreams.
Thanks for listening son.
Trying to be funny doesn't mean that you're actually gonna be funny.
The same logic doesn't hold true when trying to be an idiot.
The same logic doesn't hold true when trying to be an idiot.
Who has a more dangerous driving habit?
The girl texting in her car while putting on makeup
or me typing this while eating a bowl of soup.
The girl texting in her car while putting on makeup
or me typing this while eating a bowl of soup.
Boxers or briefs?
Well you've presented me with a set of false choices.
You forgot about diaper.
I'm incontinent.
Well you've presented me with a set of false choices.
You forgot about diaper.
I'm incontinent.
I'd tell you that you're normal but I can't lie to you.
The truth is you're a RealDoll that I bought a year ago.
I know sweety, I know.
The truth is you're a RealDoll that I bought a year ago.
I know sweety, I know.
Disclaimer:
We say fuck and shit a lot on this Twitter thing.
We?
Sorry I meant me, Fuckity McShitFucker.
We say fuck and shit a lot on this Twitter thing.
We?
Sorry I meant me, Fuckity McShitFucker.
Before you ask me ANY fucking questions, search the internet!
We're not fucking Luddites here!!!
Kids and their birds and bees inquiries.
We're not fucking Luddites here!!!
Kids and their birds and bees inquiries.
If you punch a man in the face and he does nothing, he may be dead.
So take his wallet.
Although he may just be a pacifist.
Take it anyway.
So take his wallet.
Although he may just be a pacifist.
Take it anyway.
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