When I tell my future grandchildren I'm older than the Internet, it'll blow their minds forever.

Scientists say that the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

If life gives you melons, you probably have dyslexia.

Dear math, stop looking for your x. She is not coming back

We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.

Starring a tweet from 246 days ago is acceptable but liking a Facebook status written yesterday makes you a look like a stalker.

I didn't text you, vodka texted you.

Sorry, I'm too short to ride your emotional roller coaster

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

This floss says mint flavored but all I taste is blood

If you are on a treadmill next to me, then yes, we are in fact racing.

The way I see it, if it's already in your mouth you might as well swallow it. At least, that's how I eat food.

Does running late count as exercise?

"I can't wait for the Madonna halftime show'" -No football fan

I didn't say I hated you, I just said I would DJ at your funeral.

I don't understand how some women think their face doubles as a coloring book.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

I would make a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

I'd rather watch my own conception than an entire Harry Potter movie.

When it's really cold out, I like to breathe heavily and pretend I'm a dragon.