They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream

I'm changing my Voicemail to "hang up and text me."

I keep hearing the neighbors talk about this creepy guy in the neighborhood but I've never seen him.

There is a spot of sunshine on the floor and my daughter is trying to eat it. Definitely my kid.

If I had any super powers, I guarantee I would not use them responsibly.

I've been a lot happier since I stopped trying to not be weird and just found other weird people with similar interests to hang out with.

Thanks anyway, plain cake doughnut. You can go hang out with turkey bacon and unflavored oatmeal.

People who drive cars that look like police cars, you suck.

One sure fire way to look mentally unstable in public is to have a sneeze that won't quite come out.

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.

I cant help but notice that there is a lot of unrest in parts of the world where they don't eat bacon.

And all the Wookies say hes pretty fly for a Jedi.

It'd be nice if my wife really needed to talk to me during a game,she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out

It may just be wishful thinking, but I'm pretty sure in the midst of my daughter's babbling, I heard the Green Lantern's Oath.

If I'm ever being tortured for something, I really hope the torturers don't find out how ticklish I am.

I probably spend too much time thinking about how perfect cupcakes are. I mean it's a complete and independent unit of cake in and of itself

I'm lucky my wife has a good sense of humour and low standards.

I can't really explain why, but I am naturally trusting of Canadians.

No one will ever be able to convince me that Pluto is not a planet.

I bet people who leave Voicemails still use Myspace and have an aol email address.