I saw my ex go in to kiss his new girlfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my vagina!"

Life would be better if tampons could absorb bitchiness too.

That awkward moment you're trying to get over someone you were never dating..... Happens to me every 3 months :(

I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?!

No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

... is cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

What makes a guy go
"mmmmmmm"?

Duct tape.

The bullying would have been alot more tolerable if my school detentions were like the ones on pornhub....

Gonna have sex with a hotwater bottle tonight kuz im freezing, is that odd?

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

What is the definition of 'making love'? Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

If I don't answer my phone the first time calling five more times won't make me answer.

I bend over and take it no matter whose it is....


I love finding money...

Everyday, I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday. Yesterday you were pretty fucking annoying.

Found out the best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked before. Gonna try it again 2moro :-D

Off to give my pillow some head and the duvet some ass.... #BestThreesomeEver

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get...