Starting to feel stabby towards husband's fashion show display of clothes that fit since he lost 15 lbs. If he fits in my jeans he's done.

Sometimes it's best not to investigate that loud crashing noise coming from another room.

Is it too early in the morning to think about starting my own fight club?

My family has planned our looting strategy for the apocalypse & the new order based on our skills. My lib arts degree is useless apparently.

No I am not thinking of shaving my head in a preemptive strike against the outbreak if lice at preschool. That would be overreacting.

let's all be honest, we're all hoping to win the lotto so we don't have to come in tomorrow. or really, ever.

Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing her retainers. Just ask my husband. #thatshot

The ultimate temptation, an advent house filled w/ chocolate in November. The toddler is "just looking at."

Toddler yelled "what's on demand?" in response to my question, "do you want to watch a movie?" So, that's a telling response.

Caffeine and aspirin for everyone!

Dear idiot coworkers, if you are going to lie about being sick, make sure the friend you are ditching w doesn't tag you at Disneyland on fb.

I cannot wait for the day I can tell everyone what I think of them. Until then I'll play the coward and bitch about them on twitter instead.

Fact: a grown woman will use the word farty in a song for as long as it makes the child laugh and/or eat her food.

missed lunch, was going to eat some raw almonds but then I found the almond snickers. Much happier about that decision.

Giving 3 beers to a girl who hasn't drank in a while is like giving a child a cookie; amusing at first but also a little annoying.

sometimes distance makes you realize just how much you disliked the person in the first place.

Looking forward to "let's save money for the future and not pepper spray people trying to get a cheap TV" Tuesday.

commence screwing around on the internet for the next hour in silent protest to having a moron at the helm of the company.

The post office, where time stands still for a long, long, long time.

Step 1: Take a Xanax
Step 2: Wait for step one to take effect before beginning any other steps.