"People on Twitter are so friendly."

- Girl with big tits on her avi.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Dr. Seuss had the best drug dealer.

I come up with all my tweets! That's why they're not funny.

It takes me longer to crack boiled eggs than it does to make them O_O

In spite of how bad I treat her, my toilet always swallows.

Flushed the toilet after shitting while singing the Titanic theme song. RIP

OMG I GOT A QUESTION RIGHT ON JEOPARDY! ARE YOU PROUD OF ME NOW DAD!?!?!?!

The great thing about being sexy is you get free shit. (or so I've heard)

Interesting proposition. Maybe later.

If the cook is fat, I know the food's going to taste good.

I assume anyone talking a language I can't understand near me is talking shit about me, hence my eye-fucking and blowing kisses at them.

I'm still in bed scratching the dry drool off my 2-week unshaven beard while holding Niagara Falls in my bladder. You're welcome.

The great thing about taking a shower after 3 AM is my upstairs neighbor doesn't stomp the floor while I'm singing!

You know you're a fatass when half your Mayorships on foursquare are fast food places.

People who drink coffee through a straw give blowjobs with their pinkie up.

I've been farting uncontrollably all day long.

I'm contemplating making a second account just to give myself trophies.

Instagram is down and I'm about to cut someone.