Lent: When McDonalds sells 85% of their Fillet-o-fish for the year.

Twitter: where I find out my mom was right in telling me I needed to study my spelling words more often.

Why can't Huey Lewis bring me some fucking good news?

So not facing you while you talked didn't work... Looking at my phone while you talked didn't work... I guess walking away is the next step.

One of the things I like to do whilst at the mall is walk to my car and back. Just to piss off the people stalking me to the spot.

A new pair of jeans is like a new hooker. Their straight, clean and don't have any cigarette burns on the legs.

Ok lady. I get it you're in shape but walking round golds without a shirt and just a sports bra make the fat chick in me want to sit on you.

The prospect of going into toys r us on Christmas Eve is birth control enough for me

I wouldn't have so many warrants out on me if people knew how to have a good time.

The ladies room should not smell like chinese food

Fuck cotton. You guys are the fabric of my life. Now get in the dryer.

So its not appropriate to use a water gun to correct stupid behavior?

Wow my phone battery lasts so much longer when I dont look at twitter. And fuck it reminds me no one outside twitter loves me.

If you name your child something spelt backwards I will sterlize you myself.

On a serious note- I want to thank all my followers for finding me. I love all of y'all like family... My seriously disturbed family. :)

I have not been given enough time to fully plan your murder. Forgive me if its sloppy.

Wow dude, that was totally fucking attractive. Did you give yourself your own prostate exam while picking that wedgie?

Women wearing skirts shouldnt ride the mechanical bull

Ok i just left the fridge door opened till it started to beep at me cause I was trying to think of something interesting to say... Wow.

Fuck! I just tried crossing my arms and i just punched my boob.