My favorite flavor of punch is throat.

I'm not offended easily, unless, of course you start bad-mouthing The Spice Girls.

Then I slam your body down and zig-a-zig-ahh.

I'm okay being friends with a "lol" person even though I'm a "haha" person.

That's how open-minded I am as an individual & stuff.

No, I don't see why I have to wear pants just to answer the door.

My friends think I'm shallow, but their opinion doesn't count cos they're ugly.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Um, you guys, I'm in public & my battery's at 50%.

Scour the news later for:
'Gay man has panic attack, sets bar on fire.'

Pick up off the floor.
Visually inspect.
Sniff.
Wear.

- How I get dressed every morning

Before Twitter, the only things I learned about Canada came from South Park.


I still don't know shit aboot Canada.

If I star and/or RT your shit, it's cos I have a raging boner for you.

Or you're funny or whatever.

I don't really know how to twitter.

Contrary to what you might hear, not all Tweeters are potheads.

Or alcoholics.

Or sex addicts.

Or disturbed.

Some of them are spam bots.

My crushes do this sweet thing where they make sure I'm safe by having security escort me off the premises.

I need you to look deep into my eyes when you choke me.

Look, if you begin your sentence with "everybody was..." I will totally cut you off & say "KUNG FU FIGHTING?!?"

Every. freaking. time.

"I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."

Apparently rolling your eyes and making jerk off gestures isn't considered appropriate during office meetings.

Hey guys, how many stars qualifies as 'star fucking?'
Does less than 5 count as 'star groping?'
'Star reach-around?'

I'm fine being single.

When exactly is 'Hammer Time' and why do I have to 'Stop' for it?

I'm too legit to quit asking.

Freedom of choice doesn't mean you should choose to be an asshole.

Alcohol: because fuck being a responsible adult.