My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

If twitter didn't exist, we'd still have found our way together on the streets, in a psych ward or through the penal system eventually.

I agree to your terms, alcohol. Now make life go away.

I see these women who can do everything, and I think, I should have them do some stuff for me.

Today seems like a good day to sit next to my husband & bare my soul. What time does the game start?

Daughter: Can I see your phone?
Me: Sure, one sec. Logoff, close, logoff.
D: It's just for a picture.
Me: Ohhh, hang on. Delete. Delete.

Did you like sexting better with her? Was her vocabulary bigger? She used caps lock, DIDN'T SHE?!?!?

It's your lie.. tell it however you want.

There's a difference between being bitter and being angry. Bitter ppl are ugly. Angry ppl just need a good fucking and *tada, pretty again!

Note to mom: not all of my heels are fuck me heels, some are fuck YOU heels.

Twitter is a lot like sex. The deeper you go, the better it gets.

Text to hubs: "It's ON tonight!"
Hubs text back: "I'm working late, can you record it?"

And that's marriage in a nutshell.

When I'm drinking and my husband talks to me, he sounds exactly like I imagine an ex-husband might sound.

I'm going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.

Stand out & be yourself. But don't be weird. And whatever you do, don't draw attention to yourself. Try to blend in as you're standing out.

I was happily sipping wine & cooking dinner until my husband accused me of getting drunk & setting fire to things.

Calling me "angry" is like punching yourself in the face, except I'll do it for you.

If you've never seen Spaceballs, well, shame on you.

If you think I drive crazy, you should see how I fuck.