@hipstermermaid hey braden have you ever seen quiz show

7 Signs We Are Heading for a Mass Extinction  http://io9.com/7-signs-we-are-heading-for-a-mass-extinction-5950630 …

Is everyone dead or am I just terrible today?

This is not how it's done: pic.twitter.com/DML01pHvHH

.@realdonaldtrump One last quick question regarding Apprentice returning next season: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  http://tvline.com/2013/05/20/ratings-celebrity-apprentice-finale-billboard-music-awards/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=facebook …

Teeth seem way grosser when you think of them as exposed bones jutting out of your face.

oh you want to talk about self control?
*drinks a bottle of vodka*
*eats a loaf of bread*

gwen stefani glen ross

"You make-a my dreams come true." - Hall and Oates, to someone giving them a hot meal

While listening to "Fresh Air" on public transportation, I nod my head as if I'm listening to something with a beat.

Please stop. Just stop doing impressions. Please.

In a parallel universe, alternate me is living a fulfilled life because she got to write a MAD parody starring Jennifer HEAVE SPEWITT.

It only gets hard when I listen to NPR :/

my new antidepression meds are starting to work so if you wanted to hang out with me in the last 2 1/2 years good news i'm almost ready

Funnie.  http://instagram.com/p/ZT5pnFtvXa/ 

"Good luck with that" = "I will secretly laugh when you fail"

FREE speech? In this economy?

"If at first you don't succeed, make the most minimal of efforts tomorrow then just give up altogether." - UPS

damn are joke format coffee? because what idiot named steve jobs SEXT horny level?

Iron Man 3, The Great Gatsby. It’s the golden age for movies about guys with fancy suits.