If you're a man, and you know a little guy without a dad, you fuckin better help teach him how to be a man. No excuses

Newbies: Don't worry about ppl who unfollow. You don't lose followers, you weed out weak fuckers who don't deserve to read your awesomeness.

I have 7 feelings: Whiskey, bourbon, scotch, gin, tequila, hate, and fuck you

Men: Part of our job is leading women away from sadness, & to happiness. Don't matter how, just fuckin do it. Ur job is done when she smiles

"Did you hear that!" - My dog, every fucking 5 minutes.

Something blowjob. Xanax. Sob story no one gives a fuck about. Porn. Booze. I'm a whore! Someone love me! - Now you've read every tweet ever

Remember when everyone wasn't a victim & life was just tough, so you either sucked it up & got thru it or, I don't know, died or something?

You have 3K+ followers, follow 100, and you're asking for help for more followers? Listen motherfucker, and listen good. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Adult Trick-or-Treating:

Walk around ringing doorbells & everyone gives out a shot of booze or a bong rip to each other.

Make it happen.

Go make a woman smile. Women are magical, amazing gifts to the world and they deserve to be cherished and appreciated. Don't fuck around.

99% of your problems could be solved with a punch in the face and a weekend in jail

Hands are the best bras

Dear female orgasm.......will you just hurry the fuck up already

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

If I don't offend you, I hope one of my retweets do. Fuck you

Midgets shouldn't be allowed to smoke cigarettes. Sends the wrong message to kids & confuses the fuck outta adults, at least from a distance

My story in 140: Drugs. Parents divorced. Locked up. Turned life around. Went to college. Graduated # 1. Got a great job... Own. Your. Life.

What the fuck is a YOLO and can I shoot it?

Dear People Who Call Me From An Unknown Phone Number: You have a better chance of reaching infinity than you do getting me to answer

I just retweeted someone with 100 followers, then someone with 10,000 followers. Point is, JUST FUCKING RETWEET FUNNY SHIT!