What should we call this one?
Humpback whale.
How about this one?
Sperm whale.
You're attracted to whales aren't you, Fred?
Yep.

Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those fuckers.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...)
Me: Hi I'm Beyonce

This is your brain on drugs. These are your brained of drugs. Those drain bugs. Ducks.

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

It's impossible to prove that your cat's meows aren't him asking for drum lessons.

Sext: You are a butterfly. I am a caterpillar. Surprise twist, I am Chris Hansen in a caterpillar suit. You are under arrest.

MAYBE I'D EAT RAISINS IF THEY WERE MARKETED AS GRAPE ZOMBIES

People with tattoos know how to make permanent decisions, so you're basically an idiot if you fall in love with someone without any.

Friends are like snowflakes, they gang up on you and tell you you're an alcoholic.

A nice thing to do after you kill an insect is look for a tiny cell phone by the body & call its family to tell them you're a murderer.

It's funny how you keep checking your phone like someone loves you. They don't.

It's not a choice to be gay, they are born that way. . .which means there are gay babies and that is fucking adorable.

If your name is Carlos I will assume there are two of you. WHERE'S THE OTHER CARLO? Then we'd laugh and laugh, but seriously where is he?

I call the fat people I work with my cow-workers instead of co-workers because it's so hilarious and we all laugh nervously and I'm fat too.

Down comforter. Sit, comforter. GOOD comforter.

Sometimes when you give people a second chance they surprise you with how quickly they need a third chance

If you're an older guy and you think you don't have a shot with a hot college girl just remember, 20 year olds are fucking idiots.

MAYBE ITS THE DRUGS TALKING BUT I AM THE HOTDOG MAYOR LET ME HAVE YOUR FLIP FLOPS

"Why are you wearing a skirt, you're a hamster!" I thought to myself as I put a skirt on the hamster.