A woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same.

I'm not scared of dying, I'm scared of what people will find out about me when I'm not there to lie.

How many Daddy issues are you hiding under all that eyeliner?

Couples, sharing a Facebook account doesn't make you appear loving and intimate...it screams disturbing trust issues.

You call me vulgar, I say life is too short to get out of the shower to piss.

fuck you, spell check. i'm "IN BED watching a film", not "INBRED watching a film". i thought you had my back, you bitch.

"Orgasming at least 3 times a week reduces your chances of dying from heart disease by 50%"

I knew living in sin was the superior option.

Sex is the champion form of consolation. Good job though, Vodka. You too, cake.

If you're not finding me funny, remember that I'm British so after each tweet I'll say something like "Oh, bloody hell!" or "Cor blimey!"

I enjoy those girls who put kisses at the end of each tweet. You can just smell the cotton candy mixed with unwanted pregnancy.

Just unfollow me, whatever. It's not like I photoshopped us together in pictures, 'cause I didn't! I didn't.

There's just something about a strong, delicious cognac that brings out the 1920's whore within me.

If it weren't for proximity, I'd be fucking at least eight of you by now.

pretty awkward when you ask the cab driver what that funky music is and he replies, "the Koran". oh.

Will the bonus features get you laid? Asking for a friend.

I'm so broke right now, I can't even afford lube...I just use my tears.

Dance like your vagina is on fire.

I don't want a boyfriend. I just want someone who thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to spend all their time with me.

I wish I were a Sunday brunch kind of girl and not a stumbling home stinking of Tequila and penis kind of girl.

Today I had to cut my shopping trip short because my bags were too heavy. So THIS is why people get married, I get it now.