The worst thing about insomnia is infomercials.

I have no regrets. I always gret it right the first time.

Some people may be looking at you right now wondering when you're going to stop staring at your phone. Hold your ground.

Feeling a little tired? There's a nap for that.

I am totally into beastiality. Horses in particular. Well, just one horse actually. Alright fine, I have a crush on Sarah Jessica Parker.

Speaking your mind on Facebook can turn friends into enemies. Speaking your mind on twitter can turn strangers into friends.

"Ray Charles would have loved to see this," I think to myself when I look at anything.

The coolest thing about having children is that they let you name them whatever you want!

All the stars collected by this tweet will go toward my own self-validation and will be donated back to you at a later time.

You call them churches; I call them tool sheds.

Does this mean we can start smoking on airplanes again?

No, I kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

Your virginity is not worth all the years of great sex you're missing out on.

Listen, don't ask me if I would suck a dick for a million dollars unless you're a millionaire with a dick.

My fingers smell guilty.

Twitter is ideal for people who wish they were somewhere else doing something else with someone else.

You lost me at "you had me at..."

I could have sworn I just saw Superman in the sky, but it was just some dude.

I like to leave my old porn where it can be found by some adolescent boy on what will be the best, most life-changing day of his life.

I want to fuck you like your pussy is insured.