@jas508's (Julie) most faved Tweets...
Every time my dog pees on a fire hydrant, I'm like "Really? You going with that tired old cliche again?"
My 8 y/o on cleavage: "It looks gross to have her boobs all pushed up and out like that. It looks like a butt coming out of her shirt".
You may have noticed that I don't make fart and poop jokes. Allow me to explain. You see, I am a woman, and as such, neither fart nor poop.
Every woman who has emerged unscathed from scary situations from drinking would agree that Hallmark needs a "thanks for not raping me" card.
Don't remember much from high school lit., but I'm pretty sure one of Dante's circles of Hell involved being on the phone with Travelocity.
As I was being felt up & patted down by the 400 lb "lady" airport security person, I glanced at my bfriend who announced "WORST.PORNO.EVER"
1st thought: My gawd, my breath could slay a dragon!
2nd thought: Gonna tweet that
3rd thought: I'm so lame
4th thought: Tweet it anyway
2nd thought: Gonna tweet that
3rd thought: I'm so lame
4th thought: Tweet it anyway
A half hour waiting for barbecue feels like an eternity. A half hour EATING barbecue feels like a minute. THAT'S what Einstein meant.
It is understood here that me getting coffee in the morning is equivalent to adjusting my own oxygen mask before assisting others.
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar