Favstar wird sogar noch besser, wenn du dich anmeldest.
Dear English muffin company: Go ahead and slice the goddamn things all the way through. Signed, everybody.
On 12/20/91 my son was diagnosed with Leukemia and was given a 10% chance to live. He just fixed me a toddy. I win Charlie Sheen!
21 years ago today I took my son to Children's Hospital with a diagnosis of Leukemia. He's 36 now. Thus, Christmas is kinda special to me.
If you call the suicide hotline in Iraq they ask if you know how to drive a truck.
To my son who knows everything: I may have taught you everything you know but I didn't teach you everything I know. Got it?
My younger dog can go to sleep in about 4 seconds. The older one takes about 6 because she's got more shit to worry about, I guess.
Dear aluminum can recycling guy: Don't fucking worry about how much beer I drink.
When I was a kid I had a friend that was half black and half Japanese. Every December 7th he wanted to attack Pearl Bailey.
Good news is my daughter paid back the $3000 she owed me. The bad news is she gave it to me in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and she's outside chewing on a fucking rock.
I was goona start lifting weights except that shit's heavy and I don't wanna.
When I'm pumping gas I like to mash the intercom button and ask if it's OK to piss in the trash can.
I grew up so poor at Christmas my mom cut the front pockets out of my pants so I'd have something to play with.
If an alien ever says "take me to your leader" we're going straight to Willie Nelson's house.
A prospective employer wanted blood, urine and semen sample so I just gave them my underwear.
Fucking ice storm! I sent grandma out for beer and cigarettes over an hour ago.
Sheriff's knocking on my front door. I bet they finally figured out I haven't been updating Adobe.
If people were as forgiving as dogs there wouldn't be any more wars. And we'd all be having sex regularly.
Will somebody please invent a wifebeater with a cigarette pocket?
My ex is such a slut, if she had a rooster it would say "anycock'ldo!"
I'm the Uncle that asked you to pull my finger.