Dear people waiting on line for Jordans, please pay your child support first. -love, yo kids.

I may not be the most wittiest person, or the most intellectual, or the most cleverest, or the you know what fuck you guys.

You know you have to start hitting the gym when your girlfriend motor boats you every time you have sex.

I'm just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to make me a fucking sandwich.

Guys, I think I've found the clitoris! I didn't take any pictures or videos and after I threw it out to sea. But you guys believe me right?

Sometimes to spice up my sex life, I use my left hand to masturbate.

Being mexican, when life hands me lemons, I sell them by the highway.

All Dongs go to Heaven #dickmovies

I just noticed my girlfriend waited till 6pm to have sex with me yesterday. I'm sure she was hoping this rapture thing would take her first.

Nothing says "I just took a shit" quite like seeing toilet paper on your girlfriends butthole during doggie style.

Lord of the Cock Rings #dickmovies

MTA should stand for money taking assholes

#lessinterestingbooks The Da Vinci Password

You're silence says it all! - helen keller's boyfriend probably.

Religion is just acceptable insanity.

Hey, did you hear? We killed Osama bin laden!- annoying assholes who state the obvious.

Mexican parking lot. http://t.co/Oa4Ct5F

My girlfriend's favorite sex position is sleeping.

What's it like to have friends? My imaginary friend is curious.

Can I count my mom as a friend? Because if I can then I still have not friends :(