Twitter: ensuring none of us will ever rise to a public office.

The heart is a fragile thing. Thanfully mine is made of adamantium. It also has retractable spikes.

Used to know a girl who was super cool and used to say "eat a bag of dicks". Now, she seems jaded. Perhaps Life has force fed her that bag.

Making fart noises with 4 year olds is awesome.

My next job? Booze model. "Can I interest you in some body shots?"

I used to be the girl on the bus who looked expressionless & intimidating. Now I'm the girl smiling at her cell phone. Which is scarier? :)

I dreamt last night I was engaged to @porksmith aka Matt Berry. He had a rich mother. He died serenading me on a train. It was short lived.

Is it bad form to get liquered up and buy out Walgreens Easter supply?

Girls should have cocks, guys should have vaginas. Cos they would appreciate farting from both holes more than we do. #brillantkimbythoughts

I'm a tall and curvaceous bucket of boiling stress. And poop. Can't forget poop.

I make friends using brute sexual force.

Some tweet naked, I just tweet w/ my knickers round my ankles, sipping bottled water and fanning myself with erotic literature.

I say we start a campaign for teaching our kids and others to have a little respect. No, how about a lot?! #RespectElders #RespectWomen

I think we should also be sensitive to those women who can't have children. We should also appreciate those who will adopt the forgotten. <3

Tomorrow is National Fist Fuck a Friend Friday.

Oh fuck #MoaningMonday again?! My head feels like the unwashed anus of a low budget porn actress.

Fuck yeah! The Safety Dance. I loves some nutty Ren Faire break dancing.

Entertaining fact about humans: we tend to forget we've behaved basically the same for centuries. "Modern" problems are just updated ones.

I know how to party! I just choose not to use that knowledge. *sleeeeeps*

misheard lyric "your knees are so raw, i got to let you know" - INXS Need You Tonight
Translation: "i love you"