@patrickcarney I liked you in the Wonder Years when you played Fred Savage's friend. As for @ladygaga, I liked him in Blade Runner

Can't even smoke a cigarette in a Waffle House no more. This ain't the 'merica my grandfather fought for in dub dub two.

I'm not voting in this election because Puff Daddy hasn't threatened my life yet.

this emoji 😐 is called the 'kristen stewart'

North Carolina's state bird is the Subaru Outback

I just invented time travel by driving through South Carolina

The Catpocalypse is the cutest end of the world scenario.

Getting steamed while stuck in rush hour traffic really makes me wish I had a wife waiting on me at home so that I could beat her.

I probably hate you.

@jasonisbell "Hand over all the dobro!" -surfer, robbing a bank

Salt Life decals are Ed Hardy shirts for cars.

To this day I still cut up those plastic six-pack rings because goddamn it I love birds and turtles and nature and shit.

I almost shit my pants on the way home from work but didn't. #blessed

Awfully racist that weathermen are telling us to be on the look out for black guys on the roadways tomorrow.

The thing about Budweisers and Parliaments is, give them to me.

Spoiler Alert: At the end of "50 Shades of Gray" you find out Bruce Willis has been a ghost this whole time.

Sergio Garcia is a mark ass bitch.

Hey girls who just graduated and are moving b/c of that new career job, can I have your framed "Live, Laugh, Love" picture?

kinda bullshit that some corporation turned the movie into a book and is trying to pass it off as "literature" pic.twitter.com/pXZeeyN3lh

serious tweet: does anybody have an extra ticket to big boi tomorrow night at georgia theatre?

(will pay* you good)

(*bang)