Sometimes when I go to the bathroom in public "under pressure" by queen plays in my head.

my gynecologist is in my lobby right now... i feel like he's gonna see me and ask how I'm doing then gesture to my lady parts. So. Awkward

My sisters boyfriend says his sentences all in one breath... Probably because he's fat as fuck and that's like running to him.

It's okay to say "I love kids" it's when you get specific, then it's concerning like "I love 12 year olds"

@yourfavwhiteguy I risked my life to take this picture, flash went off, beast almost awoke  http://t.co/7QcxAjh

It's like inception, but instead of levels of dreams, I'm on levels of not giving a fuck.

"can you dig it!? We can dig it!!" - gopher fucking up my garden

I hate all children besides my potential children, so far I just like them as tiny eggs, those don't scream and shit everywhere.

If you're happy and you know it, think again.

At dinner, drunk girl says to her bf "your personality belongs in my pussy"

To the window (/.___.)/
To the wall \(.___.\)
Till the 💦 drip ⬇ my
🏈🏀⚽⚾🎾🎱
All these 🐶 crawl
Aww 🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿🎿

"I put the STD in stud all i need is U"

too bad the rapture isn't taking the scientologists... I'm lookin at you Tom fuckin Cruise

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? Because he ate his pizza before it was cool.

if you wear a hat with the size sticker still on the bill, we can't be friends anymore

my green tea tastes like bong water.

http://t.co/PuHgVhd8

@kidrauhlsnigga @owenbenjamin LOLOLOLOL WHO IS FREDDIE MERCURY LOLOLOLOL

"I don't have enough neon on" -girls at the gym

the moral of the story in the twilight saga is, don't have sex, or you'll give birth to demon babies and die.