@cbsbigbrother finale and @survivor_tweet premiere. Not a bad way to spend a Wednesday night! #CBS

No more problems,no more pain
Ill hold you till it all fades away
No more problems,no more insane
Ill be there for you when youre miles away

@ifcportlandia Penis is evil / Used to hold us hostages / Gossling excluded / #Haiku #Portlandia

Beltran has 7 RBI's tonight. Pujols has 5 RBI's all season. I'm no accountant, but I think the Cardinals made the better deal. #STLcards

Debating a woman that you aren't required to have sex with, might be the purest form of honesty there is.

Unsolicited Opinion: Are you there, Chelsea? It's me, Canceled. #AreYouThereChelsea

I was expecting more nudity at the XXX Olympics. #OpeningCeremonies #2012Olympics

The Choice is a network's experiment to see how little work they can do and have people still accept it as entertainment. #TheChoice

My cats are acting weird tonight. I can't tell if they are warning me of something or plotting to kill me.

Dear fast food restaurants: You could offer free blow jobs and reach-arounds, and I'm still not going to take your survey.

Everybody wants to turn you into something that you're not. And everyone wants to give you something, you've already got.

I looked back to see, if you looked back to see, if I looked back to see you...

Life is passing you by.

I love that Three's Company episode where there's a miscommunication about the rent!

I'm surprised that Kirk Cameron is so homophobic after hanging out with a Boner all those years. #kirkCameron

Someone needs to tell Maroon 5 that payphones no longer exist.

If I interviewed my 12 year old self, it would mostly consist of me saying, "Quit masturbating so much and get out and see the world!"

Well it doesn't look like I'm going to win the lottery. I think it's time to sue John Travolta.

Is it red or white wine that pairs with a frozen burrito?

If you quit your job with a pregnant wife to try out for American Idol, you're not a hero; you're a terrible husband. #AmericanIdol