Apparently no one at my work can believe it's October. ***SPOILER*** November comes next.

Take comfort in your tears, it means your heart still has love to give.

The past is just the place where we keep our mistakes.

I can't hear anything over your silence.

When she tells you to never stop...you are doing sex right.

Real happiness is smiling even when no one is watching.

There are few things more intimate than someone who gets your humor.

can someone help me locate the expiration date on children? pretty sure mine is rotten #ihateteenagers

Just because I am nice and flirty doesn't mean I am twitter crushing on you...except for you. You belong in my bed.

Nothing says I give up on life quite like wearing sweatpants to work.

It's normal to have a choreographed victory dance every time you kill a spider, right?

Nobody laughs at my humor as much as I do, and I am perfectly ok with that.

Communication is the key to any lasting relationship...haha j/k, it's blowjobs.

Ok, I'm drunk, I'm high, I'm on twitter. Next step is posting pictures of my tits right?

The loudest cries for help are often the hardest to hear.

Hit myself in the nuts in trying to stop my phone from falling, because priorities.

You jump. I catch. That is how this works.

Ladies, know how you think men drive flashy sports cars to make up for their small dicks? Is the opposite true? Because I drive a Prius

People should learn to laugh at their flaws. Everyone else already is.

Ok, I finally caught up on my TL, now stop tweeting people!