I've starfucked so many of you today that I'm afraid I may have twerpes.

Are people who get married more than twice hopeless romantics, or do they have a learning disability?

Just decided that Dunkin' Donuts is probably the fast food experience that involves the most pointing.

Not sure what's colder, Chicago weather or the girl's voice on the phone. I don't understand why, I'm so fucking charming.

I wonder if when I die, God is going to be all "Yeah, I don't care if you exist either," right before he shoves me down the slide to hell.

I just rocked down to Electric Avenue, and they were in fact taking it higher.

Who decided that olives are food? If I wanted something with that taste & texture, I could just put salt & vinegar on a bike tire.

Twitter is like Facebook with ADHD. And fewer relatives depressing the shit out of you in your timeline.

This morning, I was at a cafe & got invited into a meeting about couples retreats. I invited them to stab me in the eye with a fork instead.

Upstairs neighbor keeps flushing toilet when I'm in the shower, so I went up to have a nice chat, make peace & gut him with a letter opener.

Dyslexics, of the world, untie.

Sometimes I stare at my Twitter "What's happening?" screen and marvel at how funny I'm not going to be today.

Now roommate is chewing gum loudly & using the shredder 5 feet from me while I try to write cover letters. Considering a pen to the carotid.

Sign seen on the Twitter superhighway: Will Blow for Followers. And stop making fun of me for making it; I'm insecure, okay?

The guy with the worst hair in America has just endorsed the guy with the best hair in America.

According to the U.N., Gadhafi is not being targeted by air strikes. In other news, Megan Fox is not the object of teen male masturbation.

Starting Cialis. I don't need any help w/my boner, I just want 2 be naked w/hot girls in clawfoot bathtubs in the woods.

Can someone please explain to me why I live by myself but still close the bathroom door when I'm in there?

I officially change "The Donald's" nickname to Flappyhair Fucktardicus.

I'm starting to wonder if all of us are cutting into the profits of stand-up comics. I'm following so many who are fucking funny for free.