Someone just called me (wrong number) and said "hey mom" and I said "hey son" and he said "oh" and hung up. Bye son.

Girl I want to unzip your jacket, unzip your jeans, unzip your boots, unzip ur panties, unzip ur skin, damn girl why you got so many zippers

The moon is 15 years away if you were to travel to the moon via a whale

Does the bible say how many horcruxes satan has or do we just have to guess

Potatoes are the most metal vegetable because to reproduce them you CUT THEIR EYES OUT AND BURY THEM.

dude will u hold my dog "what the f" yeah I know, he's a mutt "this is a spider" wow calm down he's not that ugly "HE HAS 8 LEGS" dude chill

There's this guy on the bus yelling "LATER" at everyone who gets off.

how is being a gay dude not manly, two men having sex is like the manliest thing I can think of tbqh.

You dive into a pool, but whoa, this isn't water. Its only 97% water. You are in a pool filled with human bodies. Gross what are you doing

It's the year 2019. Everyone is pansexual. Everyone is in love with everyone else. Guns don't exist. Puppies run gov. We've reached utopia.

DOGS ARE BASICALLY JUST BEARDS WHOM CUDDLE

GO LOOK AT THE SKY IT'S BEAUTIFUL SPACE IS FUCKING COOL.

down to fuck(ing die)

Scream at birds because you can't be them

I am going to name my kids Port and Starboard and they will be permanently assigned their designated sides of the car / dinner table / couch

trees have secrets too

➴
➴➴ tie me to a tree like
➵ ➵ ✝ St. Sebastian
➶ ➶➶ & take my life twice

Sext: your rushed breath pushes my hair back from my face as i lean in to kiss you. your mouth tears me to shreds. you are a wood chipper.

WELL TWITTER, I'M GOING TO BED NOW *closes lap top, picks up phone, opens twitter app* Sup twitter

WHERE DO RABIES COME FROM I THINK I'M PREGNANT.