poopin boners in the club

One day I'll be famous on twitter and people will forget how fat and substance abusing I am.

If the old saying is true, judging by the size of my gut, I must have a LOT of glory.

I saw a naked chick once. It was cool.

You are made of stars! And you'll shit and piss yourself when you die.

Yesterday I got asked if I was a skinhead... Umm, everyone has skin on their heads, idiot.

Hey, corpses, have fun rotting and being bones and stuff, idiots.

Missed connection: You were in the stall next to me in the airport bathroom. You were straining really hard and your farts sounded cool.

No concealed weapons in here? Don't worry, my sleeves are ripped off.

Another day, another pile of dead nerds from all my punches.

Guess the only chicken place for me now is Los Pollos Hermanos.

Twitter is so popular right now. I hope it accidentally chokes itself to death while masturbating in a bathtub.

I'm almost out of third-world-produced drugs. #FirstWorldProblems

Boobs and poops are cool

@fart is that where "shooting the shit" came from?

Do you guys ever microwave a hot pocket alone without crying?

Why isn't there bacon-flavored pickles yet?

Seems a cool guy already passed through this country. All the trashcans have been knocked over.

My dad gave me heroin when I was five and now I'm an intravenous drug user. He was a MASTER at April Fools.

Another day, another huge skidmark... :/