@plaid_lemur's (Nikolai) recently faved Tweets...
I bet if bears had access to a camera and a current newspaper they wouldn't maul people, but just take them hostage.
The worst part of eating crackers in bed is all the blood because black or white, people bleed a lot when you eat them.
It's about time that Sandra Bullock dumped Jesse James because he's been dead for over a century. Move on, Sandy. Move on.
I think the best thing about being illiterate would be making all that money from writing The Da Vinci Code.
I think if I was brutally ass raped by a unicorn, it would be of little consolation that they are fictional.
If they develop an ass specific cologne, I hope the ads start with a doorbell sound because I won't want my dog to know I'm using enhancers.
6
I bet girls with weird VDs like St. Patrick's Day because it's the one day when a guy won't question her green labia.
Hearing my own voice freaks me out so if I got a record deal, I would only sing Paris Hilton covers to make sure I got no radio play.
I bet if supermodels got to pick a superpower some of them would choose 'solar' because some of them aren't that bright.
If there were a sport where the object was to be as quiet as possible, I'd be a big fan because I have trouble napping to the other ones.
12
I bet when you barge in on a chicken rapist and say "Guess what!?" they really mean it when they say "Chicken butt."
When people tweet me "Your an asshole!" I get very confused for the next hour trying to find my an asshole.
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