Twitter appears to just be an excuse for arrogant smartasses to try and show everyone how clever they are. It's like I've been called home.

Took me this long to catch up on all the tweets I missed over the weekend. Work is, like, the biggest time vampire ever.

Got a short haircut and now my wife keeps calling me "Lieutenant Dan." Hope she tries to blow my legs off later.

What happens in Vegas.......will be exaggerated when telling the guys later.

Thank you Twitter! With your help I have just crammed two hours of work into a four hour time slot!

Well, time to get to work. These employees aren't going to harass themselves.

Nanasecond: The amount of time it takes a gramma to undermine your authority with your children.

Remember when "going to rehab" meant doing physical therapy after your knee operation?

Revelation: Guys who don't watch soccer "because it's too boring" are the same ones who can't satisfy a woman "because she takes too long."

Wife just asked me if we could spend Saturday afternoon at a Chicago sports bar watching football and drinking beer. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Walked in on my wife pleasuring herself, and when I told her it should've been me, she was all like, "Talk to the hand!"

I won a gift certificate to Dairy Queen for having a well-kept lawn. I gave it to my sons. My yard brings the milkshakes to the boys.

Started on Slim-Fast shakes today. Turns out two cans of the chocolate with a half-pound hamburger and fries is a very satisfying meal.

Why is bat shit crazier than any other shit?

The first rule of OCD club is you have to learn the other 527 rules and be able to recite them in numerical order.

OMG! My 50 cherry finally popped! You like me! You really like me! I'd like to thank the Twitter academy, my agent, and DON'T PLAY THE MUSIC

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This is especially true for my ATM withdrawls.

I'm new to this. Just found out WTF doesn't stand for "where's the food." Explains confused looks at Olde Country Buffet.

I tweet like Microsoft does Windows: release now, fix it later.

If they shouldn't put a mosque near Ground Zero, can we assume they shouldn't put protestant churches near the Oklahoma City bombing site?