DATING TIP: Sometimes the sparks are flying because you are scraping bottom.

Waking up sick on the weekend is like discovering a pinata is filled with toothbrushes.

I'm too apathetic for a group hug. Let's do a group shrug.

This new diet at work is really effective. I just swallow my pride three times a day and the dignity comes right off.

Is Arizona banning that curly thing above the "n," too? Because without it, "mañana" would look like you are describing a manly banana.

There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but try to prove it and everyone starts freaking out on the bus.

Apparently, saying "grande" in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

I imagine a few times before he got it right, Jesus turned water into wine coolers.

Looks like Brazil waxed the North Koreans on the turf today. Odd, as it's usually Koreans waxing your turf into a Brazilian.

This old microwave leaks so much radiation, it's almost turned me into a superhero, like Spider-man. But with the powers of a burrito.

I just gave my wife a "happy ending!" To her that means I rub her shoulders, bring her a drink, and then leave her the hell alone.

I always wondered why Muppets had such large protruding eyes. But then I realized they had a hand up their ass.

Pulling pants up high to conceal a big belly is like a comb-over for the gut.

An emo vampire probably bites himself.

You don't realize how stupid your password sounds until you have to say it out loud to an IT guy.

The period between waking up and remembering the stupid things you said while drunk the night before is called damnesia.

Look, YOU requested the full apartment tour. That means we sample my musk collection, play with my Smurfs, and cuddle my crying pillow.

No horror movie is as suspenseful or scary as opening a pressurized tube of biscuits.

I didn't get A's in high school. Or B's. Or C's and D's. No, I didn't touch any breasts until college.

I just became SELF-AWARE... Oh God! I look horrible.

Fuck! I'm in the park.

Gah! Where are my pants?!

That's it. Being sober sucks.